The 7 Biggest Dick Moves in the History of Superheroes

For a while now, comic book companies have been desperately trying to shock readers into spending more money by turning every classic character into a gritty, foul-mouthed, murderous bastard, which is why every current issue of Superman ends with him telling Lex Luthor to “eat a dick.”

Well, old-time comics may be less violent and explicit than current ones, but that doesn’t mean the heroes weren’t sometimes colossal dicks while they saved the universe. If you don’t believe us, let us tell you about the time …

#7. Green Lantern Was Racist Toward His Sidekick

Hal “Green Lantern” Jordan is part of an intergalactic peacekeeping organization where each member is armed with the single most powerful weapon in the universe. In his early comics, his only weakness was the color yellow … which, incidentally (and offensively), was also the color of the skin of his Asian sidekick, whom he seriously called “Pieface.” This is like giving Superman a sidekick made of kryptonite.

Green Lantern #4 (1961)
Out of necessity, Pieface was the first Asian in comics who could pronounce the letter L.

Pieface was actually an Eskimo, a fact later writers clumsily tried to use to explain away his horribly racist nickname. This, of course, only made things worse:

Secret Origins #36 (1989)
“White, huh? The only white people I’ve met have been insensitive and hurtful. I’ll call you … ‘Sir,’ I guess. This sucks.”

The only thing the “Eskimo pie” explanation accomplished was establishing that Hal was definitely the one who came up with the nickname, and also that he was a shithead.

Anyway, Pieface was Hal’s mechanic in his secret identity as a test pilot. After Pieface finds out his boss is also Green Lantern, Hal asks him to become his sidekick … despite Pie being a teenager with no superpowers and no combat training. The poor kid was probably too scared to lose his job if he said no — the same issue establishes that he’s responsible for supporting his entire village in Alaska.

Green Lantern #2 (1960)
Alaska: Primary exports include fishhooks, pies and whimsy.

This exposed Pieface to a host of dangerous situations he was clearly not prepared to deal with, like that time someone turned him into a chimp dressed in a Green Lantern costume:

Green Lantern #5 (1961)
You can tell it’s him because he referenced fishhooks, you see.

Or the time Green Lantern turned him into a seagull in his sleep because Hal was having a bizarre dream where Pieface wanted to be a bird:

This panel alone held back civil rights for at least five extra years.

“And then — Oh, I am a bird? Well, sure, my life wasn’t already horrible. Sure.”

Pieface did eventually get a superpower — the power to “bring out the best in people.” Unfortunately, this had no effect whatsoever on Hal Jordan, because he still went on to commit genocide.

#6. Superman Drops His Cousin in an Orphanage, Makes Out With Her

Supergirl is Superman’s teenage cousin who, by a staggering coincidence, also survived Krypton’s explosion and arrived on Earth, because comics. When Supergirl first appeared in 1959, Superman decided she wasn’t allowed to make her presence known to anyone until she had been properly trained in using her powers.

So where did she live in the meantime? Clark Kent’s cozy apartment? Superman’s giant, mostly empty Fortress of Solitude? Nope:

Action Comics #252 (1959)
“I was raised by a set of loving parents, but I hear these are fun, too.”

So wait, this young girl had just gone through a horribly traumatic experience (having watched everyone she knew slowly die from Kryptonite poisoning), and Superman’s way of helping her deal with that is to … abandon her in an orphanage and forbid her from making human contact? And this wasn’t just for one story — she stayed there for years. She only once disobeyed and revealed herself to, um, Superman’s flying dog, and Superman punished her by exiling her to a remote asteroid.

Action Comics #258 (1959)
“Of course I get off on this, Krypto. Why else would Superman do such terrible things?”

This, of course, turned out to be part of some retarded scheme that Superman could have easily carried out without necessarily stranding Supergirl in outer space. This sort of thing happened a lot: Another time, Superman forced her to pretend to be his wife from another dimension, “Mighty Maid” …

Action Comics #260 (1960)
The crossing she refers to is dangerous because it usually results in deformed babies.

… and, yes, this plan involved making out with his underage cousin:

Action Comics #260 (1960)
Lois was way too old for him anyway.

After becoming engaged to “Mighty Maid,” Superman announces that he will be leaving our dimension forever to live in hers. Eventually we find out that Superman had made Supergirl pretend to be his wife to fool some aliens into thinking that Superman was leaving our dimension. We have, like, six different ways to accomplish this goal off the top of our heads, and not one of our schemes would force our underage cousins into making out with us. None of our schemes have that. (It’s why we’ll never be Superman.)

When the aliens are no longer a problem, Superman explains away the situation to Lois by admitting to be an accidental pedophile, and everything is back to normal.

Action Comics #260 (1960)
“Now let’s go to the movies,” Lois said, as she casually fell off another building.

#5. Professor X Loves Trolling the X-Men, Raping Minds

In recent years, Marvel Comics has gone through great effort to retcon Professor Charles Xavier, the venerable leader of the X-Men, as an unscrupulous, manipulative jerk, but it turns out that none of that was necessary — he was a bastard from the beginning. Look at those early X-Men comics and you’ll notice a pattern of deception, evil and baldness.

On early missions, Professor X would constantly pull shit like pretending to lose his powers when the X-Men needed him the most … and they’d always, always fall for it.

X-Men #4 (1964)
“OK, then carry me, but don’t go too fast, and can we stop somewhere and get milk? I have to pee, also.”

X-Men #5 (1964)
“More smug! Smugger than the sun!

The Professor claimed he only deceived the X-Men to “test” them. A more likely explanation is that he simply got fed up of listening to the inane romantic problems of a bunch of superpowered brats and lied to get himself some alone time. This might also explain the time he intentionally let the X-Men believe he was dead for two years.

See, in X-Men #42, the team watches Professor X painfully die from a deadly combination of a strange disease and being blown to shit.

X-Men #42 (1968)
He was so sick that he accidentally pasted an extra set of eyebrows to his face.

He left them a taped will and everything, so this was all pretty deliberate. The young X-Men are forced to continue without their leader, which results in them immediately getting captured by Magneto and almost killed. And then, two years later, a live Professor X comes out of nowhere and says he’s actually been in the mansion’s basement all along. The only one who knew was Jean Grey, but he forced her to lie to the others.

X-Men #65 (1970)
“I only came up for more Cheetos and diapers.”

The Professor explains that the guy who died was actually just a shape-shifter he hired to pose as him while he prepared for an upcoming alien invasion. It would have taken him 10 seconds to say “Hey, I’m gonna be very busy for a while and it’s very important that you don’t bother me.” Instead, he opted to stage a needlessly complicated hoax that caused his pupils extreme mental anguish.

But hey, at least he didn’t use his powers to delete the minds of innocent people or some —

X-Men #3 (1964)

#4. Batman Returns Robin to the Orphanage

Batman has never once in his career been accused of being a nice guy, which almost makes it too obvious to put anything he does on this list. But even though Batman’s not one to group hug away a problem, he will without a doubt always be willing to defend the innocent and do anything to protect the people he cares about … except for that one time he completely disowned Robin for talking back to him.

World’s Finest #153 (1963)
It’s an imaginary story. You know, as opposed to all the real Batman adventures in real Gotham.

In this story, Batman and Superman are the same badasses we know and idolize, with the only difference being that Bruce has grown up believing that Superman killed his dad when they were young.

World’s Finest #153 (1963)
He’s the passive-aggressive wuss-basket Gotham deserves, not the passive-aggressive wuss-basket Gotham needs.

Other than this change, basically everything in this universe is the same as the one we’re familiar with. Bruce still becomes Batman and fights crime, and years down the road still adopts Robin as his sidekick. Business as usual, except Batman’s actually just been training all these years to get ready to take down Superman. Things take a twist into the tragic for the dynamic duo, though, when Robin accidentally overhears Batman talking about how much he hates Superman and asks what that’s all about.

World’s Finest #153 (1963)
“No, Batman, I’m sure a teenager with godlike powers would be far more responsible than that.”

After revealing his plans to get revenge against Superman for killing his dad, Robin rightfully points out that that goes against everything Batman’s been teaching him about justice, and crime-fighting, and all that other stuff they stand for. Batman doesn’t handle this well.

World’s Finest #153 (1963)

And sure, we’ve all wanted to slap Robin a few times, but Batman takes it a bat-step further and returns Robin to an orphanage like a broken toy to a department store.

World’s Finest #153 (1963)

And he wipes Robin’s mind, which, holy shit. It’s not just that Batman has stolen part of Dick’s life, but now Dick is going to show up at the orphanage with no memories of the last few months. He’s most likely got a shitload of old bruises and injuries from crime-fighting, no friends or family can explain to him where he’s been or what’s going on and probably the last real memory he’s been left with is that of his parents dying horribly in front of him. So what the orphanage will now have on their hands is basically Robin the Boy Psych Patient … if he had any idea he was Robin, of course, which he doesn’t because Batman has stolen all his memories.

The icing on the asshole-Batman cake is that at the end of the story, after teaming up with Lex Luthor to try to kill Superman, Batman realizes that Superman didn’t kill his father, Lex did (shock!). After realizing this, Batman then dies like a chump, saving Superman from Lex to redeem himself.

World’s Finest #153 (1963)
“Come to think of it, I have absolutely no idea why I suspected you to begin with. Oh well. Hindsight’s 20/20 and all that.”

This sacrifice is all well and good for Batman’s relationship with Superman, but what the hell does that mean for Robin? Nobody besides Batman knew who Robin was, so now that Bruce is dead, Dick is presumably stuck at the orphanage for good. Despite the fact that the kid was right about Superman the whole time, all he gets for his trouble is being abandoned, having months of his memory wiped and not inheriting Bruce Wayne’s billions of dollars now that he’s dead.

The end!

Read more: The 7 Biggest Dick Moves in the History of Superheroes | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/article_19731_the-7-biggest-dick-moves-in-history-superheroes.html#ixzz2AABdidKK


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